27 October 2007

New short story

I finished a new short story I have been working on. Here is the first paragraph:

Every night after she takes Ch00 Ch00 for a walk, she strips naked in her bedroom and takes a photograph of herself. She has done this each night for the past six weeks. It's the only use she's found for her outdated digital camera. She stands in the same spot in her bedroom and looks straight ahead at the camera, set up on the dresser so that it photographs from the neck down, so her face is in none of the photos. She's learned to download the pictures onto her computer, where she can scroll through them like a timeline. She can see the changes. Like a primitive cartoon, her body flickers down in size–her breasts begin to rise, hips begin to take shape, and her legs whittle away. Her fingers are even smaller, elbows no longer rest against rolls of skin on her sides – there's actually a gap, a space between elbows and hips. Black triangles like the isoceles of brown hair below her belly. Her belly button is no longer a gaping orifice – it's almost cute. In a few weeks she will send a photograph to Mickey of her face. After she loses ten more pounds.

You can read the rest of the story here.

If you get through it, let me know what your take is on the narrative voice. Too condescending? Too detached? Inappropriate humor/formal voice/switch in tone?

6 comments:

greywater said...

I really liked the story and felt the narrative voice worked well in chronicling the plot movements. The story left me worried, scared, and horny about encountering the likes of Penny/Minnie.

I am new to this blog site but hope to follow up on the creative progress associated with such a cool site.

Laurie said...

Hugo - I'm hooked. This singular paragraph makes me want to know more about her. Where does she live? Why is she losing weight? Why photograph the process?

Sanguinetti A! said...

I loved it immensely, too. I was very quickly sucked in and easily envisioned her environment, body, hair color, demeanor.

I'll have some more, please.

Sanguinetti A! said...

Welcome, Greywater. We love newcomers and hope you'll stick around awhile.

Sanguinetti A! said...

I noticed now that you asked: Too condescending? Too detached? Inappropriate humor/formal voice/switch in tone?

None of the above. I noticed at times slight hints at humor and it seemed just right. I end up feeling sorry for her, yet kind-of liking her, and feeling great compassion for her sweet lost soul and I also find her a little humorous in an inappropriate way (I am studying social work, you know, so when I find her funny I'm going to feel guilty about that.)

I think those doubts you're having don't apply - it feels really right.

Hugo Minor said...

Thanks for all the comments! I appreciate it very much. Thank you for reading. Nice to have you as a visitor too, Greywater.